Childless by choice

Apparently I have kids on the brain this week. I cannot tell you why since I have no desire to have any and I’m not likely to change my mind any time soon. I don’t dislike kids, my nieces and nephews are great and my life would be a lot less interesting without them. Still, I doubt seriously that I would make a good mother.

It is my view of my own personal feelings that inspires my choice not to have children. Of course I am a pragmatist and refuse to make always or never statements. I cannot say that I will never have children because things could change. Still whether I stay single forever or end up with a spouse and half dozen kids in the next decade, I take issue with anyone else making statements about my decisions.

Thirty is the first time most women start getting the looks and comments about how their biological clock must be ticking wildly away. In your twenties if you are single or don’t have children you are not considered selfish or immature. People say you are finding yourself or getting all the wildness out of your system before you settle down.

Why does settling down or growing up mean that you have to become a mom? Why does anyone else care that I am childless by choice?

Should you care? Why?

Some things will never change

I came across a blog entry today on Yahoo’s Shine that sparked my interest and irritation. The blog was titles “Ladies Who Lunch” and was from an entry on www.Damselsinsuccess.com dated March of this year. The author wrote a minor rant about finding herself in a restaurant while waiting for lunch and eavesdropping on a conversation at a nearby table. As a fan of eavesdropping on strangers myself, I appreciate her insistence to listen to the two women even though she would have preferred to check her email or focus on anything but what the women were talking about.

You see, these two women (strangers to the blogger) were older, described as 50ish and speaking about the other ladies they lunch with. Their conversation apparently focused on the women in their group (not present for the conversation) who did not have children. The gist of the conversation appeared to be that women without children and later grandchildren were both selfish and uninteresting because they had no life. Now the common idea that a childless woman is selfish because she must be out partying or is only concerned with her own needs is a common one.

The blog author ranted a bit (in statements and tone I agree with) that women do not have to wrap their entire identity in reproduction. If we have children we can continue to be individuals apart from the people we birthed (apparently the lunching ladies disagree). The blogger also commented that in the same time these ladies expected childless women to be selfish partiers, they also expected the women had nothing to talk about because they couldn’t talk about children.

So you wonder why I’m writing about women in their fifties who were criticized by someone who was rude enough to eavesdrop on their conversation. The thing is that this blog reminded me that women are generally a pain in the neck. For whatever reason our gender tends to be judgmental when talking about the other members of our species. The other thing that struck me is that women do not change as they get older.

If as you approach turning 30 you are feeling pressure to have children or to defend your choice not to have kids, you might as well become secure in your argument. It looks like you might be defending yourself for decades to come. If we are doomed to spend the rest of ours lives subjected to the criticisms of other women, shouldn't we just start ignoring them now (instead of later).

Kids

Today an old friend sent me the most adorable photo of her daughter. The infant is 3 months old and her personality is starting to show through. What is it about seeing the smiling face of a little bundle that makes you want to smile?

Is it the innocence of that first few years of life that we miss? Maybe the ability of children to feel and express emotions that we as adults are used to suppressing are what make me want to smile. I know when I saw this child or when my brother sends me photos of my infant niece, I wonder what it must be like to be that kid again.

Infants learn and experience more new things in a day that most adults do in a year. Can you imagine being back there, checking out the world around you and all there is to see? Without the knowledge that causes fear, dread or disinterest?

It would be nice if we could maintain the sense of wonder that children have. My friend has wanted to be a mom for years. She expected to be married and have kids long before she approached 30. When the right guy didn’t come along until late in her 20s she didn’t despair. She decided instead to wait for the right guy, the one she wanted to spend her life with a have a family with. Now she is 32, married and a mom. She got what she wanted and is happy with it because she didn’t put a timeline on what she wanted.

Seeing the baby in the photo I was pleased for her, pleased that she sounded so happy in her email. Even more I looked at the smile on that child’s face and knew that the mother was just as happy as the child.

Will starting a family make you happy? Or is there something else you want to do first?

Turning 30 doesn’t mean you have to rush into getting pregnant if you aren’t ready or interested. No one would be as happy as my friend if they had a baby they weren’t ready for. Luckily my friend was both ready and waiting to be a mom. Her age had nothing to do with her happiness.

Please explain

Check this out. I found this t-shirt at http://www.cafepress.com/. I can't for the life of me figure out why anyone would want this shirt.

I have not problem with being in my 30s as this blog repeatedly discusses. But why would I want to advertise "I'm 30"?

My age is so very little of what I am. I prefer Hi "I'm Colette" because I'm lucky enough to have a name that is both unique and interesting. Even my name, which I am VERY fond of isn't enough for a name tag.

How about Hello:

"I'm cynical yet interesting"

"I'm fascinated by crazyiness"

"I'm never going to talk to you"

"I'm hardworking & normal"

"I'm a writer who rarely gets to write what I love"

"I'm interested in more than a pretty face and hot body"

That's enough about me for today.

What would your name tag say??

Something more interesting than "Hello, I'm 30" I image.

Searching at 30something

I came across another blog about 30, this one for those who have passed the birthday and are looking to the future.

Check out http://30somethingandsearching.today.com/

This 30 something female from Chicago invites readers into her life for discussions on a range of topics including (some of my favorites)
Granny panties
What Not to Wear's Stacy & Clinton
Customized perfume
Greeting - hugs or kisses
Matchmakers (I have to remember to devote an entire entry to this one later)

What I like about Kelly (the author) is that she admits that she is still searching & she doesn't apologize for not being settled at 32. She is still searching for the right career path, husband and children (all somewhere and sometime in the future). Along the way she is searching for her spiritual path and for happiness. What more can you ask for from a blogger???

If you are searching for some new inspiration of a woman who is beyond 30, no longer thinking about that birthday, and just living life while trying to find her way, CHECK OUT that blog.

Memphis & Graceland

I mentioned yesterday that I was in Memphis last week. I played tourist and went to Graceland one afternoon. It was like stepping into a time warp with the 70s decor and memorabilia from the life of Elvis Presley.

I realized something while I was there. Elvis Presley, the King of Rock N' Roll, died August 16, 1977 - more than 30 years ago. In that time he is still a hero to many. I visited on a Monday afternoon and the tour bus was constantly moving between the entrance and Graceland itself. After 30 years Elvis is still remembered and treasured enough that people visit his home.

Elvis cut his first record before the age of 20. By 31 he was a star of rock n' roll music. Within 2 years he was seen regularly on the movie screen. His career declined and was ready for a comeback by his mid 30s. Unfortunately all that success signaled a short life and Elvis passed in his 40s.

Fans wonder to this day what greatness would Elvis have achieve if he had held his life together and lived longer. What music would he have made? Would his daughter's life have turned out differently? What about his fans? Would they have lost interest as he aged or would he have stayed an icon?

We can never know what would have happened. Still it isn't the mystery that makes millions visit Graceland. It is the life lived.

You and I may never be Elvis. We may never live a life on such a grand scale. Still, will the life you lived be worth remembering when you are gone?

As long we live life instead of dreading it, we have a better chance of a life well lived.

I'm back

I've managed to find my way home and back to this blog. I should apologize for being away. I was attending a training session in Memphis (yes I managed a trip to Graceland) and for some reason I could get a network connection on my laptop, I just couldn't keep it long enough to get posts written and posted.

Technology is not my friend - ever!

So while spending way too much time in airports and cursing my computer this week I had a thought about technology. Again I should remind you that I am a technophobe. I use computers because I have to but that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I'm also a big fan of the television, enough so that if left to my own devices I would get home from work at 515p and plant myself in front of some mindless show until I was falling asleep at 11p. In that time I would ignore the phone, forget to eat dinner and blow off any projects I should be working on (including this blog). SO, what to do about an addiction to television and mindless technology??

I turned it off. My pretty 42" LCD high-definition TV just sits in my living room, looking decorative but not useful because last month I had the cable turned off (and I don't have an antenna to get regular network TV). Believe it or not, I've done OK without the set. I do however watch some shows on my computer but I'm at about 4 hours a week instead of 4 a night.

Sorry for the TV ramble. Where was I. OH yes - technology.

I was thinking about how technology has changed in the last 30 years.
flat panel TV
cell phones
personal computers (to laptops then PDAs)
CDs
DVDs
Blu-ray
High Definition
Atari - Nintendo - PlayStation
the Internet
Space shuttle missions
GPS
Prozac & Ritalin
iPod & MP3


I wonder what we will see next??
Total lack of Internet privacy
All TV, on demand
Wrist watch computers (these are pretty close)
Cars that fly and talk (as well as keep us from getting lost)
Terminator like robots that destroy humanity
True virtual reality & hologram rooms

What do you think? Where will the next 30 years take us with technology??

Out of touch

Sorry for being out of touch for a few days. Unfortunately, it's going to be a bit longer. I'm traveling for my day job and have VERY limited access to the internet.

I will catch up over the weekend.

Until then, HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Choices

Something I spent a lot of time researching early on is making choices. When stressed or anxious about facing 30, we are often consumed with questions about the choices we've made. In second guessing ourselves, we are questioning several things:

Did I make the right choice?

Why did I choose one thing over another?

Am I who I want to be?
If not, why not?

It is easy to question the big choices - about getting an education or going surfing, having children or waiting, getting married to the guy you thought you loved or even getting divorced when things were not working out. Big life choices are not made once, they tend to be made every day. When you decide to get married, you continue to make that choice from the day you said yes to the day you said I Do and beyond. The choice to have a spouse is one you can reverse. You can get a divorce. So in reality you chose to get married and you continue to choose to stay married.

This same cannot be said for having children. They are yours once you have them. However, you can choose what kind of parent you will be. If you choose to make your children a priority, you have to continue to choose that each day. Or you can choose to let someone else take responsibility or you can just do the bare minimum to raise your family.

Choices are often difficult and can create regret. The thing about regret though is that it is useless. Regret does nothing for your life. It makes you doubt yourself and dislike yourself and your life. Instead of regret, consider making a new choice. Change your mind and seek a different path or just choose to be happy with the path. Continue each day to make choices that you love.

Thinking about love

Today I was thinking about love. Don't ask me why. It isn't usually on my radar. Don't misunderstand, I've got nothing against the big romance. I just don't often have time to think about it.

OK, so I do know why I've been thinking about it today. Last week I accomplished a goal. Yeah me! The reward I promised myself for meeting this goal is to have some free reading time. Instead of investing time in something literary or interesting that will capture my brain. I've headed down the easy entertainment route. I'm rereading one of my favorite series of books - JD Robb's In Death series.

I started with book one and now I'm on the second. The thing about these novels is that while they are futuristic crime novels, there's a serious love at the core of this series. There are more than 25 books in this series. What I've forgotten in the past few years of reading about an established couple was how they began. In reading the early books I've found the push and pull, the fight of falling in love.

So this round about tale was telling you I've been thinking about love today. What I've been thinking is does love change as we get older?

There is teenage love and early college/young adult love but what happens after that? Can we find great love as we get older? Is there ever a time when love runs out? Or when our ability to find it has passed?

Don't get me wrong. I know there are plenty of loves left in my life. I KNOW that 30 is young to start wondering about such things. Some people haven't even experienced love by 30, others may be on their second or third love.

What do you think?

Does love have a time limit?

Does age have anything to do with love?

Turning 30 means I will never have to do ???(fill in the blank) again

Let's play a little game. I'm feeling a bit chipper today. Take out a piece of paper so you can make a list. This will be a short activity. If you are pressed for time then set a timer for 5 minutes. Take a deep breath then for 5 solid minutes write everything that comes to your mind. Writers call this a bit of free writing. EXCEPT this activity is more like guided writing.

Write the statement
Turning 30 means I will never have to do __________ again.

Now for 5 minutes. Fill in the blank.

Ready? GO!

Help anyone move
Wear a belly bearing top (unless I have fab abs)
Learn to drive
Get carded (really, it never happens anymore)
Be embarrassed to be out drinking with my mom
Explain to my parents where I was the night before
Never be told I’m too young to know what I want
Never be told I am too young (for anything)
The splits or back bends to impress my friends
Try on clothes with someone else in the dressing room with me
Let someone else pick out my clothes (unless I want to)
Wear a bikini top to school (or a concert)
Sit in a tiny desk chair
Beg my brother to cover for me when I'm late
Borrow the family car
Ask permission - for anything

This is my list. After 5 short minutes. I'm sure I could come up with more if I spent time thinking about it. Anyway, what I learned from this exercise is a bit about what matters to me. -

Independence, freedom and not wearing skimpy clothes

See turning 30 can be a very, very good thing!!

Getting Things Done

I am one of those people who work best on a deadline. I love to have too much to do instead of too little. It’s not that I don’t know how to relax (I’m very good at it). The problem is that if I only have a few things to do I procrastinate and take all day to get them done.

I would prefer to relax through my day with a book and forget all the things I have to do. When my TO DO list is long, I give up the book or make it a reward if all my chores get done. If I only have a few things on the TO DO list, I want the book first. I convince myself there must be enough time to complete the list once I’ve finished the book. There might be but often one book gets me interested in reading another and then I’ve lost the entire day curled up in escapism.

It may be that this quirk of my personality is part of the reason I didn’t like the idea of having a list of things that had to get done by 30. What would I have done the next day if I met all my goals? Would I have curled up with a book and languished away for five years?

Maybe not having an age be the deadline for every goal makes the individual goals have more value. By saying I want to publish a novel within 5 years (or 10), I’ve set a timed goal. It’s great if I make it. But if I set all my goals for the same 5 years, will they all get done? And what will I do then? I believe the goal of getting things done is to stagger the deadlines. Keep loading your life up with goals. Keep filling your days by completing the steps of your goals. But stagger the deadlines so you will have lots of great success dates throughout your life. Instead of just saying “I accomplished everything I wanted to do by the time I turned 30”.

How depressing to think we might be done at 30.

I plan to be getting things done well into my nineties.

I’m nowhere near the end of my goals.
How about you?

30 Isn’t Old – the Book

You may not know but this blog started out as a book project. Two years ago while working on my final project for my Master’s degree I decided to interview women who were turning 30. After reading so many negative books about dreading 30, I became irritated and decided to do something about it.

The process to find women willing to be interviewed took some time. Then there was the actual writing of the book and deciding what I wanted to say. After the first few drafts were completed I began searching for an agent or publisher.

Long story short, two years later the book is almost ready. All that is left is some proofreading and the design and print process. The book will be available before the end of the year.

Now that I have a real date, a real end to the book project I am reminded once again that age is not a milestone. It is not a due date or a time when you must have accomplished some big thing. I have passed 30 but today, knowing that the dream of this project is going to happen, I’m having a great day. I am not the least bit bothered by not having published before 30.

So think about it.

If your big dream, your one goal to accomplish before 30 doesn’t happen, what will it mean to you?

Will you give up? Or find a new dream?
Or will you continue to seek your dream and celebrate the day it does come true?

No One Thinks I’m the Secretary Anymore

At a meeting this week a thought occurred to me. I am usually the one of the youngest females at most of my work meetings. I work in a field that is mostly male dominated so sometimes I am the only female in the room. I’m not complaining about that. I don’t particularly think gender matters much in the workplace.

Since I have entered my 30s I have noticed one interesting thing in business meetings. When I first started in the corporate world I was 21. I probably looked like I was 15 or 16 since I was pretty tiny. During most of the first few years, every time I was involved in a meeting I was either asked to get coffee, stay to clean up or to take notes/minutes. I figured out early on that several vendors just assumed as the only woman I was a secretary whose only purpose in the meeting was to serve and take notes.

Those first few years it was frustrating when members of the old guard wouldn’t even let me respond or ask questions because they thought I wasn’t really part of the meeting. I was just the secretary.

Understand, I have been a secretary (or at the time I guess the term assistant was being used). No matter the term, I have been the person on staff with the responsibility for scheduling meetings, ordering refreshments, cleaning up, typing letters, filing and keeping the boss’ desk and schedule clear. I’m not at all putting down the job or those who do it. It was a lot more work than what I was doing in my early 20s when I started working in insurance.

I became frustrated, however, when I was a manager and would attend meetings where my subordinates were deferred to because they were male and older. I know that plenty of women at this point would tell me it was my responsibility to speak up and take charge. You would be preaching to the choir. I agree and that’s exactly what I did. I learned a lot about speaking up for myself and being the boss in those meetings.

With my 30s I have found less and less need to assert my authority in meetings. Instead it is expected that I make an argument or present my opinion when attending meetings. In my 30s I have become a member of the team. I’m an asset that doesn’t reflect my age so much as my ability. Still it makes me smile to know that no one expects me to be the secretary anymore, even when I bring the coffee.

30 – The number of betrayal

I was talking to someone today who mentioned that one of the problems with turning 30 isn’t about age, it’s about the number 30 itself. At first I thought she might be off the mark then we were watching the movie Serenity and during one scene, she pointed to the screen and said, “You see, 30.”

Maybe I should give you a bit more background about this movie. If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s a Joss Whedon creation and his movies and shows are wicked smart, fun and often insightful. If you aren’t into science fiction, consider watching the movie just for the dialogue, it is impressive. The movie is the continuation of the story begun in the short-lived TV show Firefly.

Anyway, back to the point. In one scene the character of Mr. Universe betrays his friends by letting them think they are safe to come see him when they are not. After betraying his friends he turns to the assassin and says “Toss me my 30 coin”.

Of course what this really refers to is a biblical reference. In the book of Matthew, Judas betrays Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. This reference is what through history has made 30 pieces a symbol of betrayal.

The thing is, as interesting as my friend’s point was, I don’t really buy it. 30 is not a BAD number or an EVIL number. It is just a number. Just like it is just an age. One among hopefully many we will see in a lifetime.

The pressure to accomplish

One of the worst things about the negative connotation of turning 30 is that many of us feel pressure to accomplish something. We don’t even care most of the time what that something is. We just feel like our resume should be longer or our awards greater.

The question I have is where does the pressure come from?

Are your parents pressuring your for grandchildren?Or maybe your sister or best friend wants you to be married so you can do couple things together?
Are your single friends pressuring you to not have kids so you can still party with them?
Maybe your boss believes you should be working harder to get promoted?
Or your therapist is concerned about your apathy toward achieving your bliss? Or your personal greatness?

An even better question is,
Are you the person asking all these questions?

If the pressure you are feeling is internal there are plenty of things you can do. Give yourself a break. Set reasonable goals and expectations. Or just lighten up.

When you feel pressure to accomplish (fill in the blank) before turning 30, stop a minute. Ask yourself where the pressure is coming from. Once you know, release the valve and let the pressure go.