Too tired to think

I'm exhausted tonight so this will be a short entry. I just feel bad that I've been neglectful this month. Plus I haven't felt the usual positive energy toward this blog that I normally do. So to compromise I decided to share two quotes that get me going whenever I read them.

The faces of most American women over thirty are relief maps of petulant and bewildered unhappiness. -F. Scott Fitzgerald

After reading The Great Gatsby in high school I was well aware of Fitzgerald's obnixious and irritating view of women. When I came across this quote I wasn't the least surprised that the words came from his mouth.

Instead all I can think is that I'm glad to live in a more enlightened (I hope) time. Maybe he should have considered that the women he knew who were over 30 may have been unhappy because they had to deal with the likes of him.

Everything I know I learned after I was thirty.

- Georges Clemenceau

For those who don't know (and I admit that before I read this quote, I wasn't sure) Clemenceau is a statesman, a former Prime Minister of France who was involved in the Treaty of Versailles, the peace treaty that helped end World War I. Anyway even though Clemenceau is a man and therefore not the best voice for turning 30, I tend to concur with his statement.

OK, maybe not everything I learned was after 30. But a great deal of perspective continues to come my way the more years I collect. So hopefully old George is correct and I have a future as a wise old woman coming my way.

Women's Health Blog

I don't recall if I've mentioned it before but Women's Health magazine has a blog running right now by one of their editors who is writing about the year leading up to her 30th birthday. Since it is Women's Health the blog often centers on exercise or working toward the goal of running a marathon. This seems like typical stuff but I checked in with the blog today and two things caught my eye (then PISSED ME OFF!).

Use this link to check it out for yourself. http://www.womenshealthmag.com/blog/jwaldbieser

FIRST

The About This Blog section follows:

"I'm Jill, a senior editor at WH. I turn 30 in one short year, and already I feel myself growing older, weaker, and more boring by the second. Since I can’t reclaim my youth, I’m going to squeeze every last moment of fun out of my 365 remaining days as a twenty-something. Help me decide how I should make every day count."

Did you read that? Let me repeat something:

"I turn 30 in one short year, and already I feel myself growing older, weaker, and more boring by the second."

I do believe I want to smack Jill right about now.

How about you?

Only the immature and naive actually believe that 20 somethings are capable of being more interesting than their older peers. Women who reach 30, especially those who do so with a positive attitude, have life experience and opinions that make them interesting (not boring). And why would anyone look to this Jill for her opinion after reading her intro? Has she never met the other people who work at her magazine (or in the rest of the world) who have surpassed 30 to remain vibrant, strong and fascinating? How dull her life must have been.

SECOND

I looked at previous posts and came across another entry that irritated me. In April she bemoans the clothes she is about to have to give up due to her "aging". These are the sexy, fun, flirty dresses and even high heels that apparently we should turn in once we hit the big 3-0. She also mentions having to give up shorts (long before 30 actually). Read some of her entry:

"I still remember a few years ago, when shorts suddenly became off-limits to me. A vague unease about slipping them on had been sneaking up on me for a while, and my collection had shrunk down to two pair. Then one day a friend (a younger friend) mentioned how she'd stopped wearing them because she just felt ridiculous in shorts outside the gym. I thought about it and realized she was right--how many grown women do you see in shorts who aren't competing in a team sport? I retired mine the same day."

Jill is obviously living in a climate that rarely if ever sees 90 degree temperatures or she needs to work on some lunges to tone those thighs. I mean come on, give up shorts? Really? In our 20s or 30s when we likely have the best legs we will in our lives?

I don't think so.

Finding this blog was just another reminder to me about why I keep this blog. If that negativity and ignorance about turning 30 is what abounds in the world then I would like to be the positive voice who LOUDLY disagrees.

Turning 30 can be fun, positive, energizing and memorable (or it can be just another day in an already interesting life).

You choose.

Just make it a good one.

Never to late to follow your dreams

I spoke with an old friend today. She's another writer who participated in the same writing group as I did for several years near Atlanta. We also went to graduate school together. My friend is a few years younger than me (not yet 30) and she has very strong ties to her family and community. For the last few years she has been tied (not unhappily) to the same area because her family, church community and work were all located there.

My friend didn't complain about this situation. Like I said, she was happy. But she also had the desire to travel to Argentina to work on a project researching and writing about blacks in Argentina. The mix of African and Latin cultures that occurred over centuries after slaves were brought to the new world by European travellers/settlers/explorers.

The project has always sounded interested and over the years it became apparent that this project was my friend's personal passion. She just hadn't been able to get to it. She said she found that it was easy to get caught up in daily life and put off the things you wanted to explore.

When we spoke my friend told me that she has finally filed the paperwork for a Fulbright scholarship that will help send her back to Argentina and help her pursue a PhD in Latin American studies. Both of which will combine to one day create a fascinating book about a unique culture.

What my friend's actions reminded me was that at any time you can choose to follow your dreams. You could wake up tomorrow or even next week and finally find the motivation and inspiration to start making your goals a reality. This is true for anyone at any age.

30 will not change this fact. So if you wake up the day before or after you turn 30 and decide that is the day to start to follow your dreams - you are a step closer than you ever were. Making the decision is the first step and it is never too late to take the first step!


Check out www.keepwriting.org for the writing group's website and writing samples.

Divided Focus

I've been struggling a bit lately with my own goals and moves in life. I wrote yesterday about having a fallback if necessary. When I think about fallbacks I'm looking at careers/jobs. I know people who like to have a guy as a fallback if their current relationship fails or some other interpersonal fallback plan. Personally I don't like thinking about other human beings this way so I hope you realize this was not what I was talking about when I mentioned fallbacks.

The thing is, I probably do have a fallback career. Actually I spend more than 40 hours a week working at my fallback job. And I'm good at it. I like what I do. And again, I am good at it.

The difficulty is that I struggle to balance my two careers. The fallback is only called that because it is the career that pays the bills. I know I will eat next week because of that job so I dedicate the majority of my time and energy there.

Still freelance writing is also a job. It takes up at least 15 hours of my time each week, usually more like 25 hours. When I am tired, or just feeling frustrated, I long to stop dividing my focus, pick a job and dedicate myself to it solely.

There are some flaws in the single minded career focus (which is why I haven't made the leap)

• Single focus makes us boring
• It's easy to burn out with a single focus
• Any job/career is vulnerable when the economy is unstable
• A single path doesn't allow seemingly random connections to be made between two unrelated subjects
• The stress of a single focus can tie your stomach in knots

These are just some of the reasons I give myself for not choosing the singular path of either career. Still I often fear that I am not reaching my full potential at either career because of this divided focus.

So what about you?

Is it possible to divide your career (or your life) focus?

How do working moms handle their divided focus?

Can we really be multidimensional people?

Options and Fallbacks

By now if you've been reading this blog with any regularity you will know at least 2 things about me - nature makes me think and my thinking isn't always linear.

Hopefully you are looking at these photos and asking yourself what they have to do with turning 30. I promise you they are not just images to show you how I spent my vacation. Although, these beach shots were take with my camera phone and I'm a bit impressed by how well they turned out, aren't you?

I took these images while walking along St. Pete Beach in Florida. The weather was in the 90s and the water as warm as a soothing bath. Again, the salty tang of the air relaxed me and got my mind wandering.

While in Florida I noticed things that reminded me about the craziness that is our present economy. My day job is involved with the world of insurance so the AIG fiasco caused a bit of concern for me. Whenever large insurance companies face trauma, the rest of the industry often feels the stress. It wasn't concern for my own career that struck me at this point. Hurricane Ike had just two days before decided to rip through the Texas coast and for me, storms create job security rather than taking it away. I don't say this to be callous, it is just a fact of the industry. Without us, such catastrophes would be even worse than they are now.

But I digress.

What I noticed while in Florida was that the streets were less crowded, as were the restaurants and shopping malls. Upon speaking to a friend who works for the school system in the Central Florida area I learned that families were leaving the area in large numbers. The schools were faced with laying off teachers and staff because the school year began with thousands less students than anticipated from the previous year.

Some educators were leaving the state because their spouses faced layoffs and were unable to find another job in Florida. Along with Arizona, Florida is one of the hardest hit economies in the country. The housing crash hit hard there after a long and robust boom period.

Construction sites stood empty. Neighborhoods of newly paved streets housing just a single model home were becoming prevalent across the state. What struck me wasn't that this economy was struggling so much. This downturn should have been expected after the price of housing rose to extremes the past few years.

Instead what stuck in my mind was that people were leaving the state, some for the first time in their lives, because of economic hardship. Those who left are making dramatic choices to change the lives of their family.

I am a HUGE advocate of following the path that is right for you, of striking out on your own and taking chances to find the career and life that is best for you. In the years that I have stood behind this position I have always felt that taking the risk was worth it in the long run. I have frustrated friends over the years by advocating such risk taking because I (as a single person) have always been willing to live with the consequences of taking such risks.

NOW HOWEVER, I feel like I should temper my own beliefs. With the economy in turmoil risks may be devastating. I'm not willing to do a complete turn about and suggest that we should all stay where we are and follow the safe path. Right now I'm not sure there is a safe path.

What I am saying is that if turning 30 is adding one more stressor to your life, if an upcoming birthday is making you vacillate between taking risks and staying put, it is okay to stay put. Right now the economic upheaval of our country seems to be growing not leveling out. If you have a fallback, a career or skill that may be safer than your dream job - you are not hurting yourself by deciding to hold off for a while. Your dream job will be more likely to be waiting for you when things turn around. Now is not the time to let the stress or fear of getting older push you to make a drastic change that you or your family may not be ready for.

The most positive thing I can suggest is that like the waves in the photos, the Earth keeps on moving, the economy goes up and down (or in and out to sea) and the next wave is following right behind. For now feel comfortable with staying put if you can; you can catch the next one.

What path will you take?

I was hiking while on vacation this week. Something about nature and breathing fresh air in the woods just gets me thinking. I don't know if it is getting away from my normal life that motivates me or just slowing down enough to listen to the constant conversation going on in my brain.




The conversation sparked by a two hour trek through the woods to see some waterfalls sparked the completely logical thoughts about paths - those we take, those we avoid and those we stumble upon. With our life paths (as with a path through the woods) we all have choices about how we walk regardless of the path we find ourselves upon.

The first photo you see is the clear path - the one with no obstructions. This path is clearly marked and leads you from point A to B with little trouble or obstruction. This path is also well worn by the many who've walked it before you.

Then there is the the stony path - slightly more treacherous than the clear path because you may come across stones and small hazards along the way.

This is often where the woman turning 30 finds herself. She may decide to pause and look at her life because society tells her that the birthday she is facing is a momentous one that should have weight. During this stop we can look at the stones we have passed. Were they large enough to see and avoid (if we were looking down instead of ahead)? Or were they small, almost unnoticeable inconveniences that we stepped over along the way?





Possibly more interesting is the path that takes us across our roots into a new area. Like the roots of a tree that become exposed when the soil around it has suffered from a drought or when the roots grow so large that they can no longer be contained in a single place.

When looking back upon our first 30 years it may help to acknowledge our own root systems. Have they created the life that we enjoy? Or have they tied us to a path we no longer wish to tread?








There is of course another optional path. The bridge that crosses the water, the hardship and the hazards of life. This path may be seen as the one created by outsiders.

It may be convenient, easy even to follow this path, to stride across the bridge into medicine, law or teaching guided by a parent or mentor who seemed to know exactly where we should go in life.

The view from the bridge may be beautiful but we are protected by the rails and sturdy structure provided for us.






I most often feel like this tree.
Because throughout the path my life has taken, I have been able to rely upon the strong roots instilled in me by my family. But I have also had the opportunity to take the wild and twisting wanderings that sparked my interest.

When I am 80 or 90 I hope I can look upon my own hands and see them this gnarled with arthritis and character. I hope that my skin is wrinkled and weathered by the interesting life that I will have led.

So now, at 30, is the time to look upon the path you have tread and the path you want to take in the future.

Start walking.

Sorry I've been gone - Be back tomorrow to catch up

Headed Home

Until this year I've always lived in the south where fall is a season that lasts anywhere from 2 day to 2 weeks. I'm used to the jump from summer to winter, no transition. Life tends to be that way for me as well - I just jump from one thing to another. I move around every few years because I get bored. I rarely, if ever, get attached to the places where I live. I don't tend to settle into a town or city. It just isn't my way.

This week I noticed that even though the daytime temperatures are still in the 80s (I'm living in Massachusetts this year), the mornings are a little chilly. A few leaves have flutter off the trees but not the full scale dump that is typical fall in Florida that I grew up with. My first exposure to living in a climate that experiences the change in season is that there's a sort of slow meander from one day to the next. It gradually gets cooler, a little at a time, early and late. In a month or two the days will be colder and the sun will be out less often.

Now you probably knew this already. You know how the seasons change, why the change and heck, why the Northeast is vastly different than Florida in terms of climate. But I've discovered that knowing is different than experiencing.

What I've experienced, this small shock to the system, has me itching to head home for a few days. I've been in need of a vacation for some time and I'm just getting around to it. So today, I'm headed home. To Orlando where the temperature is in the 90s, we've missed the threat of Hurricane Ike since it has sailed into the Gulf of Mexico (where it is becoming a threat to someone else, I know).

I've been craving sweltering days when I can walk around in shorts and flop flops with my hair pulled back and not caring what I look like or if anyone notices me. I don't care much about these things the rest of the time either, but I feel like I should. So I end up feeling guilty about not bothering with my hair, makeup or wardrobe half the time. The great thing about going home is that I just don't care what people think so I don't feel guilty. Once I'm in my comfort zone, I tune the rest out.

Returning home makes me feel like a reckless (and rebellious) teenager again. I do believe I will sit by the pool with a margarita in hand and watch the hot guys go by. Maybe I'll even head out to a club, you never know.

The one thing I do know is that for the 5 days I am home, I won't think about work, responsibility or the books I'm writing. I won't think about my age, what turning 30 meant to me or what it might me to you. Instead I will have fun. I hope you can too!

Starting Over (It's okay to quit)

I've always been a big believer in working hard and striving to accomplish the goals you set for your life. Actively chasing my goals is what motivates me and keeps me comfortable living an independent life. The problem with being this type of goal oriented person is that you can become lost in the goal and not recognize when the goal has changed or no longer suits the person you have become.

What happens if you find yourself approaching 30 and haven't reached your goals? What if you aren't sure you want the same things you did when you created the goals at 20 or 25?

Is it okay to give up? Is it OK to say - I went to medical school to be a doctor and now that I'm practicing I don't know if I like it (or I really hate it)?

YES!!

YES!!

YES!!

Like ready a book that you can't get into. You don't have to fight to get to the end. You can stop, put the book down and sell it to a used book store. Or you can just put the book on your shelf and look at it another day. The same is true for life.

Where we are at 30 doesn't have to be where we will be in the future. 30 is not too old to change careers, start a new path or find a new goal. Don't see this birthday as one to dread, fear or avoid. If it has to be anything more than another day, see is as a chance to evaluate your goals. Put down the book and pick up a new one if you like. Or reaffirm the path you have chosen and dedicate yourself to putting your energy into your goals.

Whatever you do, realize that it is OK to quit if you are unhappy. Don't hold onto something just because it is expected of you or because you feel you should. Instead, if you want to start over, do so with a gusto. Have fun!!

As a side note, if you think you want to change your path but aren't sure which direction to take, consider looking for some information from author Po Bronson. Check his website at http://www.pobronson.com/ or one of his books including What should I do with my life? - a great source for inspiration to motivate you to assess your career and see how others have made changes in their own lives.

If you want something bad enough, go after it and you will achieve it. If and when it's time to start over, do it!

September

Why is it that September always has me thinking about getting organized and motivated??

Some say it has something to do with the going back to school vibe. The problem is that I grew up going back to school in 90 degree heat at the height of a Florida summer in mid-August (note September). By the time September rolled around I was hoping for a hurricane.

I'm not saying that too loudly because with Gustav the Hanna not living up to the hype, I'm a little bit concerned about Ike floating around in the Caribbean. Maybe barrelling toward the Gulf is a more accurate statement. But again, I'm a native Floridian and wind doesn't scare me near as much as it should.

Although I would like to head home for some sweltering in September later this week so I sure hope the weather clears by then. I know it's selfish to be concerned about my vacation when people in Key West were contemplating evacuation and possible future homelessness. BUT STILL, something about September brings out the childish brat in me (along with the desire to get it back together).

Apparently even I can only deal with my inner brat for so long. So let's get back to the point. September gets me motivated faster than New Years or a rapidly approaching birthday (in May).

Why does heaving into Fall, toward the end of the year seem so much more enticing as a motivator??

I'm not sure. But along with my vacation next week I've also been very productive at home. I've started a new workout routine and diet (see my other blog http://hownottoloseweight.blogspot.com/ for details about that), I've caught up at work (if it's ever really possible to do so) and I'm hip deep in edits for the book I'm working on. There were some issues with the publisher and publication rights to quote the participants (blah! blah!) which have kept me away from this blog the past few days - but I think I'm finally caught up.

See, September, what a great month. Now I must go get more done while the muse is upon me!
Have a great one!

Why do I feel pressure?

I spent some time deciding which question to think about for today and decided upon

Why do I feel pressure?

I chose this because I have passed my 30th birthday and I don't feel any pressure to be married or do better at work. So I chose the question that best applies to my interest. Selfish, I know, but necessary to get to any deeper truth.

So again, I ask myself - Why do I feel pressure?
Just so you know, I feel pressure to be productive and advance in both my careers (corporate and freelance). This is the what of my pressure.

On to the why. First I believe I feel pressure because I am goal oriented and want to be a better person.

Why?
Because we are supposed to always strive to be better. Being the same or stagnating makes me a bad person. Doesn't it?

Why?
Because our culture says we should want to do better. The whole American way of hard work makes us stronger and makes us earn more money.

Why?
Here's where I get stuck. I don't really care about my culture or society wanting me to do something so is this really the source of my pressure, I wonder. Maybe I should consider Why, down a different path.

Why do I feel pressure?
At my day job - doing well and striving to meet deadlines and exceed expectations means I can earn a promotion or salary increase. I hate to be motivated by money but I like having nice things and being able to travel, money makes that possible (or at least easier).

I feel pressure to not let my team down and pressure to be better than others. I feel pressure to be smarter and more productive, to do things that will make others take notice and value my contribution.

Why do I feel these things?
I like being better than expected. I like being valued and respected. I like that people consider me an expert and call me with questions about my work topic. I like that I am the one people call when they need input.

Why do I feel the pressure is from the outside?
After thinking about this, I realize that while it is great for family and friends to think I've succeeded, it is more that I want to be respected. And I want the warm feeling of respecting myself that I get when other people value and respect my work. It is not society that has created pressure for me to be better at my work.

It is me. I am the source of the pressure I feel. I am the why. The feeling I get, my identity and self respect are all wrapped up in succeeding at my work. So I pressure myself to do better. If I am the reason and the source of the pressure, then I should be able to motivate myself to success. I can push myself or relax but knowing that the why is the warm, fuzzy feeling I get in response to the appreciation of others for my work, I can get more of that feeling just by pushing myself to do better at the office.

What about you? Did you ask yourself why? Will you continue to do so?

Little Brothers and Why

I am lucky enough to have a younger brother who is close enough that we can talk and have fun together. We are less than 2 years apart in age. I read something today that reminded me why I so appreciate having this younger brother.

I was reading an e-book Mastering the Fat Loss Mindset by Dax Moy & Craig Ballentyne. One of the things they suggest is that when setting goals we need to know the reason behind the goal. Not the surface or superficial one but the real one. The way to find this hidden reason, this depth behind what motivates us, is simple according to the authors. You just have to ask Why?

Being the older sibling to a curious boy taught me a lot about the word why. There is virtually no situation when the word is not useful. Growing up my brother's favorite word was why. I'm guessing that innate curiosity has always guided his life. He works with computer programming and has a personal interest in science and physics that tends to be above my head. But as kids he would ask me everything he could think of. From why is the sky blue to why does anyone care what other people think.

This dynamic - him asking why and me trying to answer - is fundamental to the paths we've taken in life. You see, for me the path is writing and teaching. I'm still trying to provide the answer to the question why. His interest in science is how he continues to ask the question why.

In thinking about how much the word Why has shaped my life and combining those thoughts with Moy & Ballentyne's insistence that we need to get to the root of why we do things and why we want things -- I made the connection that sometimes I avoid asking why when I should be asking it more often.

Personally I will apply the following technique to goal setting for the next year or two to help motivate me out of the rut I'm currently in. For today, I will apply asking why to the idea of turning 30.

There's no reason to ask "Why do I have to turn 30?" Since we have no choice in the matter.

What other questions can we ask about 30? How about these:
Why does turning 30 make me nervous?
Why do I feel that I have to be married by this birthday?
Why do I feel pressure?
Why can't I feel good about this birthday?
Why do I feel compelled to have more success at work by now?
Why, oh why, do I care?

Try something today. Choose one of these questions, whichever one appeals or concerns you most. Then ask your self WHY? And keep asking until you get the true answer.

I will do the same for tomorrow's post.